Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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