She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
