we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
