I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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