Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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