I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
