i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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