i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
