So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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