you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
