he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
