i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
