Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
They took my balls.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
