A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
