i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
