I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
