the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
