My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
