Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
