Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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