Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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