Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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