True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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