dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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