I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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