Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
