I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
