dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
