i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
