I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
