Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
