So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
