I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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