She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
