how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize