My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
