I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize