Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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