I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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