I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
