i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
