you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
