she woke up with a sticky ear
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
