You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
