got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
