He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize