I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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