she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
