I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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