Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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